Relationships: wants and needs
If you want to make someone happy, start with yourself
Summary: This article is for those who are already in a relationship or just looking for a soul mate. We will show you how to achieve harmony and balance in a relationship without sacrifice, drama and trauma.
Everyone wants to love and be loved, but very often, having entered into a relationship, we begin to pull the blanket over ourselves. Maybe it happens because we lack examples of happy and harmonious relationships built on love, loyalty, and respect? We hear stories of unhappy marriages, divorces and love dramas all the time. But what does it mean to be in a harmonious relationship? Do we have an image or a role model when we think about such relationships? Have we seen their examples around us?
Harmonious relationship: unknown territory or family trail?
Ideal scenario is to witness a harmonious relationship in the partnership of our own parents. This would create a solid basis for building up harmonious relations with our own partner(s) in the future. Sometimes, we witness such relationships among our relatives or neighbours and consciously decide to follow their example.
Try this exercise: Think back to your parents’ relationship. What is the first picture that pops up? Harmony and love? Or quarrels, resentments, losses? What do you feel? Love? Acceptance? Irritation? Rejection? Images and feelings you get thinking back about your parents’ relationship is often an indicator that determines the pattern by which you build your own relationship.
Case study
In my practice there was a client who came to me with the request to help her understand and resolve a relationship problem. She realised that she was only able to build and maintain long-distance relationships. As a result of our joint efforts, a traumatic model of family relations was revealed. Despite her desire to have a partner and a family, she subconsciously avoided what a close relationship could bring (in her model — pain, resentment, fear of conflict and drama). In fact, she felt she benefited from the lack of proximity.
We can talk about the indicators of an unhealthy relationship model, if we notice any of the following components: domestic violence (physical abuse), emotional abuse, insults, lack of interest in each other at all levels (physical, emotional). Similarly, suppressed grievances and attempts to ‘reshape’ a partner can be added to this list. When a person, for example, seems to be busy with themselves and ignores a partner or some of their interests, in fact, this is a hidden revenge for the fact that their own feelings were once hurt.
How to build up a proper model of harmonious relationship?
What is important is to have a holistic approach to harmony and its principles. After all, all people are different and what is harmonious for one person will not be harmonious for another. For example, for one person, harmony is to go through the past day during an evening meal, while for another one is to sit silently on the couch, holding hands.
It is important to understand yourself: what is harmonious for you? Once you know this, think how you can communicate your vision and desires to your partner in a constructive way. If you are unable to discuss these issues with your partner now, they will come up some time later (but in an ugly and noisy manner) during your divorce or separation. The sad reality is that it may happen so that only at that moment you would be able to provide your partner with a clear idea of what was it that you expected from that relationship. What often comes next is that your partner’s expectations were similar (or at least, not contradictory) to your own but both of you would feel that it is too late to reverse the tide.
To have a role model of harmonious relationships is a big asset. But just watching others is not enough for being able to build up your own harmonious relationship. We may have a great store of theoretical knowledge, but in practice we will behave as we have been taught.
The core of building up such a relationship is its examination at a deep level. It is like replacing the engine in the car of life. If one model (engine) doesn’t work, we need to replace it with another one. But before we replace it, we need to give an honest answer to the question: does it serve me or not? Replacement and integration should occur naturally. So that the new model is in tune with you, your nature, there is no rejection. We remove all unnecessary components, replacing them with the necessary ones.
An acceptable new model may look like this: two adequate, full-fledged, and self-sufficient adults form a relationship, which is focused on their feelings, emotions, respect, and a new quality of life. They want to be close to each other, to enjoy and interact. But there is no tear, pain or emptiness in their lives which they desperately try to bridge or fill in.
What you need to understand and remember is that a harmonious relationship is possible for everyone. What you need to do for this is simply take care of yourself: come to terms with yourself, take responsibility for your life, fulfil your expectations in your relationship. Do you want love? Learn to love yourself, to love another person, and to accept the love of another person.
Our clients (and they come from such well-known companies and firms as Credit Suisse, UBS, Novartis, Nestle, LOnza, GSK) have all gone through various stages in their relationships but at a certain moment they make a choice and start behaving differently. This leads them to incredible results. And that is exactly what we wish our readers.
You can get in touch with us through our website. Together we’ll look into your issues and discuss the range of possible solutions in order to reach the optimal result that suits your needs and expectations.
And what about you? Do you believe that each one of us not only deserves but capable of building lasting harmonious relationships?
“All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players…”
(W. Shakespeare, As You Like It)
We believe that each and every one of us is not only a leading actor but first and foremost a writer of our own destiny. Overwhelmed by life events, we may unintentionally forget that we are the sole playwrights of our own lives. We may even unwittingly drop or lose the thread of our unfolding life story. Then, we start questioning ourselves and let others do the writing for us. Doesn’t this happen to all of us occasionally? The best thing we can do is to resume the leadership as soon as we can: only we should write the play of our life!
With the renewed confidence and new skills, we design new perspectives. Coaching and training are the best instruments we use to achieve this goal.